NOTE: I began this post in December, and as it explains there are reasons I am posting it today.
Other times, it's somebody whose relationship to me was or is what I consider "transactional" even if it doesn't meet the definitions in the articles I've read. Many of the articles talk about a quid pro quo, usually of the "come to my event and I'll go to yours" type of thing. Or "donate to my charitable fundraising and I'll donate to yours", or something similar.
I'll add to this the ones that don't seem to have any interest in your life, but expect you to be interested in all of theirs. Or they are interested in you when it benefits them, but the rest of the time - silence.
One example I have, from many years ago, is a woman in the area where I lived, whom I knew because we participated in a couple of social meetups. She was supposed to go with several other women on a cruise (which was definitely not of interest to me), but broke her ankle and had to stay home. During the week that the others were away, she invited me to join her for a couple of events with the proviso that I drive. I didn't have a problem with that - except that I somehow expected that she would buy my ticket to the event (it wasn't expensive), and I was a bit shocked that she didn't offer any fuel funds and expected me to pay for parking and buy my own ticket. Then immediately after the others returned, I didn't hear from her further.
Somehow one of them found out about the matter, and she repaid my ticket with some protestations of it being all a misunderstanding. Not a bit of that, and I managed to strike her off my social list, as well as un-linking professionally. Clearly all she wanted was somebody to give her attention while the others were out of town, and I wasn't a person to her, just a convenience.
Another is a person who clearly is all wrapped up in himself in a similar manner. I hadn't heard from him in over a year, and all of a sudden he sends a direct message begging me to help him fly to where his father lives so they can spend Christmas together. It was clear that he hasn't paid attention to my social media feed, as he said we could see each other while he was there - completely oblivious to the fact that I no longer reside in the area. I noted that when I'd posted about being in or near Chicago several times this year, he hadn't contacted me to suggest seeing each other, although he had done so on previous trips. So it was very clear that he only sees me as a source of free airline tickets (due to the rate of travel, I have more points than I use myself) and nothing more. Of course, when he contacted me he used all kinds of Yiddish and Spanish endearments and as I said, offered to take me out "so we can catch up".
Unfortunately I'd promised him a ticket when his mother (whom I'd met) was dying (it turned out he wanted to fly her to where he lived, but it was clear she wouldn't survive the trip), and then when a cousin was ill (he was determined to see her, and I kept gently suggesting that he ask whether a visit was appropriate), which he didn't use in either situation. So in a way, he had a promised ticket remaining. I frostily replied that I should have known the only reason he would contact me was to ask for a freebie, and he was slightly abashed but not overly so. Since I'd promised the ticket in the past, I agreed to give it to him (he agreed to reimburse the issuance fees), but it's very clear that all he sees me as is a source of free tickets. Very one-way transactional, not even an attempt to reciprocate at all other than the "let's meet at a restaurant to catch up" - especially when he kept postponing paying me the small amount of dollars to cover the ticket issuance fees.
So after he returns home (I have started writing this on Christmas Eve, not seasonal or charitable in tone, I know), and reimburses me (not that I'm holding my breath), that's the end of things. Not only will I remove him from my social media links (something I hadn't done because he so infrequently appeared in my feed, I was lazy about removing him) but he'll be blocked. I'm just debating whether to tell him or not - we have friends in common, so I can see him asking one of them to find out why I've blocked him. And likely wanting to sweet-talk his way back onto my social media.
To quote a line from one of my favourite Christmas movies, "there will be pork in the treetops"!
Update on the day of the return flight, just after Christmas: He is griping because due to the big snowstorm in the Northeast, the flight is delayed and he has to work tomorrow. As of departure time, it's much less delayed than it was earlier in the day. He also sent this message:
Like I told you, cut it real close with the money. I get paid on the 7th, expect a cash infusion then. It's annoying because everything is so damn expensive now, especially the essentials. On the flip side of things, Dad is good and we're in a better place. You always are there and I appreciate everything you've done for my family.
Do I feel guilty about wanting to cut ties after that last sentence? Maybe momentarily, until I realize that the way he thinks of me being "always...there" is by him calling to ask for airline tickets. As I said, transactional, and very one-way. After two delays of the payment (it was going to be before he left, then after he landed several days ago), now it's supposed to be January 7th. Remember what I said about not holding my breath?
Update: Still no payment as of January 9th, and I am unsurprised. I've given him at least two ways to pay AND sent a Zelle request since he said that is his preferred way. He also said:
I have something very positive to share with you regarding my life at my shul. When I tell you what it is, you're going to give me a talking to about responsibility, stewardship, and handling what I was given with the highest levels of respect. I always go back to you "raising" me along with the rest of the flock at CBI patiently and lovingly guiding me towards our Jewish ideals, which I always had. I just needed someone to remind me of what I possessed naturally. Anyways, surprise surprise regarding this new journey in my life. Shabbat Shalom!
Wrestling with whether to make myself available to talk. And whether to tell him why I want to cut ties. Or just keep him in the FB list and the next time he asks, make it clear that we are so done.
January 11th surprise! I checked the bank app and the payment is "Processing"! And he never attempted to contact me over the weekend. I guess it wasn't that important to tell me after all.
January 29th - He DM'd a video to me, still no substantive contact or follow-up to his request for a call to share the new role he has at his shul. (Congregation for those who don't speak Yiddish.)
March 6th - Nothing further. I will wait for the two months mark (or maybe a few days after, since February is the shortest month) and then quietly unfriend and see if he notices. We've just had Purim and Pesach comes at the end of the month. I'm tempted to wait until after then, to see if he sends a holiday greeting, but I think I won't. There's been enough time passed.
March 31st: Passover starts tomorrow, and I have decided it's a good day to treat that person like "chametz" and sweep him out of my life. I thought of waiting for tomorrow, but he might think it's an April Fool's joke or otherwise not take it seriously. Now to see how long it takes him to notice.
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I do have some friends who are on a standing "if you need a ticket, call" list. These are people I see regularly, who know about my family and ask about them, who check in on me, and who share some of my current interests. If our relationship is "transactional", it definitely works in both directions and I feel enriched by their presence in my life, not drained by it. Cared about as a person, supported in my interests, not just needed as a source of airline flights.
Not a terribly upbeat message, and posted here as much to work it out and give some finality to my decision. And a reminder to myself to clear out the social media accounts a bit more regularly.
