Asking and granting.

 (An essay I wrote ten years ago, and still find true in 5785.)

This is the time of year that Jewish persons ask for forgiveness of transgressions, to learn from them and move into the new year (palindromically 5775) with a clean slate, as it were. But the faults and transgressions are not erased; you are given another chance to NOT do the same things again, and to make yourself a better person and the world a better place.

In the old days, when you lived in the same small town or area as everybody with whom you interacted, it was easier to make apologies and sort out understandings. It also made sense to do this, because you still have to live in the same small community. Today, we spread out, we travel, and it can be harder to know when you have hurt someone's feelings or committed a perceived wrong. To ensure that they have apologized to everybody, especially those who cannot be reached and those who may feel slighted in ways unknown to the actor, many Jewish issue a blanket apology.

The value in doing this is that you might find out from someone about something you did, of which you were not aware - a remark, an action, some slight or hurt that bruised the other person but which was not intended by you. I think it's a good thing to ask about this, to become aware and empathetic. I don't think it should be limited to one day or season of the year; always try to be thoughtful of others, to let them know it's OK to tell you when you have committed a hurt, and to try to not do it again.

Of course, there are people who will always be hurt, who will take every comment as a slight. I know there are times when I do it, and I try to figure out why and unlearn the doing, so I don't receive or perceive it the same way in the future, if possible. I also want to know if I did something that hurt another, so I can try to unlearn the doing of that too.

Therefore, if I've hurt or confused you, feel free to ask me about it. I may have an explanation, I may not have realized that you perceived the interaction differently from my intention, or I may end up as confused as you. No telling, but no knowing until we try. As the Lord's Prayer says, at least in the version I learned, "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."