After all this time........

The person whom I wrote about earlier this year sent a FB message today (although I unfriended him; should I have also blocked?  Or did FB ignore the unfriending? No, he is still not on my friends list, but I guess an old message thread still works) asking if I could give him an airplane ticket to California.  The cousin he'd wanted to see, who told him she was not up for a visit (especially because he planned to do a lot of high-energy activity), died and he wants to go out for the funeral.

This is a person who did not show any thoughtfulness when my grandmother died, or my father died, and who - as I noted in the previous post - only contacts me when he wants something.  Usually it's an airline ticket, or money.  I think I am going to pretend I never saw his message.  He can find his own way there.

Some people might consider this cold and rude.  I'm just tired of being taken for granted, and viewed as nothing more than an airline ticket dispensary by this person.

istock photo, downloaded from one of their sites.

Transactionally.

NOTE:  I began this post in December, and as it explains there are reasons I am posting it today.

I've recently seen the phrase "transactional friendship", beginning with an article about Aristotle, and it set me thinking.  As I periodically do, I've been looking at the "friends" I have on social media, or persons to whom I am "linked", and figuring out whether it's useful for me to maintain that connection.  Sometimes it's a person with whom I was friends, and over time we've drifted apart.  Often we have a number of people in common, and because of history I don't mind keeping the virtual connection.  Many of these are people that I'd contact if I were in their area, ask whether they have time for a meal and to catch up, or whom I know would have my back if needed, and that I would have theirs.

Other times, it's somebody whose relationship to me was or is what I consider "transactional" even if it doesn't meet the definitions in the articles I've read.  Many of the articles talk about a quid pro quo, usually of the "come to my event and I'll go to yours" type of thing.  Or "donate to my charitable fundraising and I'll donate to yours", or something similar.

I'll add to this the ones that don't seem to have any interest in your life, but expect you to be interested in all of theirs.  Or they are interested in you when it benefits them, but the rest of the time - silence.

One example I have, from many years ago, is a woman in the area where I lived, whom I knew because we participated in a couple of social meetups.  She was supposed to go with several other women on a cruise (which was definitely not of interest to me), but broke her ankle and had to stay home.  During the week that the others were away, she invited me to join her for a couple of events with the proviso that I drive.  I didn't have a problem with that - except that I somehow expected that she would buy my ticket to the event (it wasn't expensive), and I was a bit shocked that she didn't offer any fuel funds and expected me to pay for parking and buy my own ticket.  Then immediately after the others returned, I didn't hear from her further.

Somehow one of them found out about the matter, and she repaid my ticket with some protestations of it being all a misunderstanding.  Not a bit of that, and I managed to strike her off my social list, as well as un-linking professionally.  Clearly all she wanted was somebody to give her attention while the others were out of town, and I wasn't a person to her, just a convenience.

Another is a person who clearly is all wrapped up in himself in a similar manner.  I hadn't heard from him in over a year, and all of a sudden he sends a direct message begging me to help him fly to where his father lives so they can spend Christmas together.  It was clear that he hasn't paid attention to my social media feed, as he said we could see each other while he was there - completely oblivious to the fact that I no longer reside in the area.  I noted that when I'd posted about being in or near Chicago several times this year, he hadn't contacted me to suggest seeing each other, although he had done so on previous trips.  So it was very clear that he only sees me as a source of free airline tickets (due to the rate of travel, I have more points than I use myself) and nothing more.  Of course, when he contacted me he used all kinds of Yiddish and Spanish endearments and as I said, offered to take me out "so we can catch up".

Unfortunately I'd promised him a ticket when his mother (whom I'd met) was dying (it turned out he wanted to fly her to where he lived, but it was clear she wouldn't survive the trip), and then when a cousin was ill (he was determined to see her, and I kept gently suggesting that he ask whether a visit was appropriate), which he didn't use in either situation.  So in a way, he had a promised ticket remaining.  I frostily replied that I should have known the only reason he would contact me was to ask for a freebie, and he was slightly abashed but not overly so.  Since I'd promised the ticket in the past, I agreed to give it to him (he agreed to reimburse the issuance fees), but it's very clear that all he sees me as is a source of free tickets.  Very one-way transactional, not even an attempt to reciprocate at all other than the "let's meet at a restaurant to catch up" - especially when he kept postponing paying me the small amount of dollars to cover the ticket issuance fees.

So after he returns home (I have started writing this on Christmas Eve, not seasonal or charitable in tone, I know), and reimburses me (not that I'm holding my breath), that's the end of things.  Not only will I remove him from my social media links (something I hadn't done because he so infrequently appeared in my feed, I was lazy about removing him) but he'll be blocked.  I'm just debating whether to tell him or not - we have friends in common, so I can see him asking one of them to find out why I've blocked him.  And likely wanting to sweet-talk his way back onto my social media.

To quote a line from one of my favourite Christmas movies, "there will be pork in the treetops"!

Update on the day of the return flight, just after Christmas:  He is griping because due to the big snowstorm in the Northeast, the flight is delayed and he has to work tomorrow.  As of departure time, it's much less delayed than it was earlier in the day.  He also sent this message:

Like I told you, cut it real close with the money. I get paid on the 7th, expect a cash infusion then. It's annoying because everything is so damn expensive now, especially the essentials. On the flip side of things, Dad is good and we're in a better place. You always are there and I appreciate everything you've done for my family.

Do I feel guilty about wanting to cut ties after that last sentence?  Maybe momentarily, until I realize that the way he thinks of me being "always...there" is by him calling to ask for airline tickets.  As I said, transactional, and very one-way.  After two delays of the payment (it was going to be before he left, then after he landed several days ago), now it's supposed to be January 7th.  Remember what I said about not holding my breath?

Update:  Still no payment as of January 9th, and I am unsurprised.  I've given him at least two ways to pay AND sent a Zelle request since he said that is his preferred way.  He also said:

I have something very positive to share with you regarding my life at my shul. When I tell you what it is, you're going to give me a talking to about responsibility, stewardship, and handling what I was given with the highest levels of respect. I always go back to you "raising" me along with the rest of the flock at CBI patiently and lovingly guiding me towards our Jewish ideals, which I always had. I just needed someone to remind me of what I possessed naturally. Anyways, surprise surprise regarding this new journey in my life. Shabbat Shalom!

Wrestling with whether to make myself available to talk.  And whether to tell him why I want to cut ties.  Or just keep him in the FB list and the next time he asks, make it clear that we are so done.

January 11th surprise!  I checked the bank app and the payment is "Processing"!  And he never attempted to contact me over the weekend.  I guess it wasn't that important to tell me after all.

January 29th - He DM'd a video to me, still no substantive contact or follow-up to his request for a call to share the new role he has at his shul.  (Congregation for those who don't speak Yiddish.)

March 6th - Nothing further.  I will wait for the two months mark (or maybe a few days after, since February is the shortest month) and then quietly unfriend and see if he notices.  We've just had Purim and Pesach comes at the end of the month.  I'm tempted to wait until after then, to see if he sends a holiday greeting, but I think I won't.  There's been enough time passed.

March 31st:  Passover starts tomorrow, and I have decided it's a good day to treat that person like "chametz" and sweep him out of my life.  I thought of waiting for tomorrow, but he might think it's an April Fool's joke or otherwise not take it seriously.  Now to see how long it takes him to notice.

💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥

I do have some friends who are on a standing "if you need a ticket, call" list.  These are people I see regularly, who know about my family and ask about them, who check in on me, and who share some of my current interests.  If our relationship is "transactional", it definitely works in both directions and I feel enriched by their presence in my life, not drained by it.  Cared about as a person, supported in my interests, not just needed as a source of airline flights.

Not a terribly upbeat message, and posted here as much to work it out and give some finality to my decision.  And a reminder to myself to clear out the social media accounts a bit more regularly.

How did September get here?

I don't know whether it's because I haven't been traveling, or just because time is warped this year, but it doesn't seem as though it should be September.  And yet, here it is.

I also don't feel as though I have much more to report than I did in the previous post.  Work has continued, and we signed one deal but another has taken quite a turn, so I'm busy with it but in a different way.  I found out that eBay was offering sellers extra free listings in August, and that gave me incentive to go through my stash and post a number of auctions.  Many years ago somebody sniffed that you never receive what you paid for the yarn, so why bother?  My thought is that I get the advantage of more space in my home, a bit of money in return, and somebody else may love getting yarn at a good price.

So far, it seems to be working that way.  I've also sent boxes to people who make items for charity, and donated a bunch more (do you know the IKEA Dimpa bag? we'd had one of those donated to a local makerspace, and after sorting out the yarn it included I filled it with other yarn to donate) to a local thrift/charity store.  A woman on KnitTalk has been posting about the good things she is excited to find at her local charity/thrift store, so I don't mind donating to mine.  Again, somebody benefits.

August mini-Resolutions Update

As I said, no progress.  I didn't finish the Boneyard Shawl, nor any of my own UFOs, although I did finish several that were in the Dimpa bag with the yarn.  In addition to the striped hat in the last post, I finished the hat with the entrelac top, and put together some granny triangles into a scrappy scarf:

Also shown are a hat and mittens made of scraps of a multi and some royal blues, and an in-progress scarf of (not mine) handspun.  So I've made plenty of things this month, just not the ones I resolved to finish.  So........

September Mini-Resolution

Easy ones, just rolling over from August:  Finish the Boneyard Shawl, and at least one of my own UFOs.  I've made some progress on one UFO, but not to finishing.

Update on what's been leaving

I meant to post an update on the Minimalism Game every week, and of course that didn't happen.  I did keep going strongly after the first week.  I need to finish totaling up everything, but so far recorded:

• 278 items to the thrift stores
• 35 lbs of fabric sold on Craigslist
• Three household items on Craigslist that will go to the thrift store if they do not sell
• Three soap kits that I'll donate to some homeschooling friends if they don't sell on Craigslist (and which I count as one item because they are listed together)
• Six bags of paper and non-redistributable magazines (mostly old, boring professional ones) to recycling
• Three bags of magazines offered on Freecycle (and which will be recycled if they don't find a new home soon!)
• Four items rehomed to others (a huge ball of cotton yarn to a friend who makes facecloths for the New Start Washcloth Project; a wooden box of soaps from England to another friend; a Scottish wool sweater to a male friend who fits it better than I do - it's a bigger medium than I apparently need; and a can of Tazo "Calm" tea to the dance mistress of a show I did at the beginning of the month, that I'd been given but I cannot tolerate chamomile)
• A Lantern Moon tote bag to the raffles at DFW Fiber Fest
• Two cartons of paper items to be shredded (one box was 13" high and I forgot to measure the other - the friends who inspired that decided each inch of paper counts as a "thing")
• 37 items into the trash

If you are counting, that's only 381 items and not 406, because I didn't count the magazines separately and only have one measurement of inches of paper being shredded, and I didn't count the extras that I put into the lot of soap kits.  Plus, I think I have not finished counting items because there's a pile on the guest room bed......


Now some people are doing a "one bag for every day of Lent" thing, and I'm not ready to enter into that, but will keep it in mind.  I suppose you can always pick a month to do "a bag a day" and see what you can discard.

In other news - I've made a couple-three scarves to take to my friend whose church gives them to The Samaritan Inn.  Some people have talked about attaching scarves and hats and such to fences or trees in low-income neighborhoods and near shelters for people who need them, but it hasn't happened in Hartford to my knowledge.  I've also done four pink-and-purple cat hats for a friend's daughters and nieces (a commission project!) and a hat for her SIL (that I promised to make less pointy on top), al in reflective yarn because the SIL thinks they need to wear lots of reflective gear when walking home from services at night.  My friend thinks these are a bit more chic than the construction workers' vests her SIL distributes.

28 Items Ready to Go

The first week of the Minimalism Game is done, and although I got busy and didn't pick out item for the last couple of days, I caught up this morning.  This means that in addition to the items I had already packed up to go to a thrift store, twenty-eight more items are heading out the door.  I calculated that by the end of the month, I need to have gotten rid of over four hundred items!  To be precise, Σ28 = 406.

In some cases, the item was a thing I had thought about sending away, but hadn't made up my mind.  The challenge helped me make up my mind.  In others, it was something I had gotten thinking I would use it and have not, or had gotten for gifting and that never happened either.  Sometimes it's a child's item and the children I know are older now.

So hopefully on Sunday I'll take this week's collection to the thrift store, and get some boxes and things to start the next week's collection.

I did add some rules of my own, at least for this week:

• Items already packed up for the thrift store - I had 21 of them - did not count.
• Items I have set aside to send to Mittens for Akkol for their current grads collection also do not count.
• The boxes and things that I am using to take the items to the thrift store of course do not count.
• Items for my Etsy shop also don't count, since I keep hoping to dispose of them by having someone buy one.  Or several.

So far, everything I packed up on a day had a single ending, mostly the thrift store, with one exception.  I think that may change later in the month, but we shall see.  I know I have plenty of magazines for some of the larger-numbered days.


In other news, this also left the house this week.  Given that it is a commissioned item, I don't really count that as something that should leave.  I was working on a scarf for a friend, and our stage manager saw me, and asked if I would make a scarf for her.  In discussing colour options she mentioned grey, and when I asked what shade she wanted, her eyes lit up.  "You know, there's that movie coming out....."

I told her that there was no way I would try to find, or work with, fifty shades of a colour, but I'd see what I can do.  This is five shades worked in single crochet entrelac.  Washable acrylics because she has three large dogs; the outermost one has a touch of sparkle.  She's not a big "bling" person, but was thrilled to see a bit of it in the yarn.  And she loves the end result, which is the best part.

Next up are to finish my friend's scarf, and make five hats of reflective yarn that a friend commissioned for her sister-in-law, nieces, and daughters.  And I want to get a couple of boxes of craft supplies organized and photographed to post on Craigslist to see if anybody wants them.  I'm sure they will go quickly on Freecycle, which will be the next stop for them.

The Minimalism Challenge

A friend's boyfriend challenged her to do this, and some of us think it's a good idea.  I am going to challenge my parents, because my mother is always trying to get my dad to throw things away.

The idea of this game is that you must get rid of as many things as the number of the day of the month.  So one thing on the first day of the month, two things on the second day, and so on. The original challenge says that "each material possession must be out of your house—and out of your life—by midnight each day", which really doesn't work in the middle of a blizzard.  So we've adapted it to you have to put the item in a box, and not take it out again, and on the weekend donate it someplace - Goodwill, Savers, Salvation Army, local charity shops/thrift stores, a shelter. 

One of the people in my friend's feed suggested: 

If you have anything you think a teacher might use, contact one you know or a local school. Art supplies, old shirts for paint smocks, magazines, even old stickers that come with address labels and envelopes to return bills you pay online can be useful in elementary schools. High school teachers use all kinds of used stuff as well. 

Some after school programs could use art supplies, too.

If you decide to do this, follow the standard rule for donations: Make sure the item is in good, usable condition.  If it's not, throw it away!  Nobody can wear falling-apart shoes, or would want a torn and stained shirt or pants.  Dried out paint and glue will not benefit a crafts program.  Expired personal care products or food.  If you cannot use it, why give it to someone else?

Because I already had a box going, I wrestled with whether to count it or not.  For now, I will, but this weekend I may get caught up on items.  I am going to keep a list so that I can see how much goes out the door.   Magazines will definitely be included in a later week when I have to get rid of a lot of things per day.  There's a debate about getting rid of old papers, and we seem to be agreeing that one inch of paper would count as one thing for the day.  Too much?  Too little?